


There's nothing gay on skating

by Polvorose



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Don't expect too much romance, Don't take it too seriously, Multi, Non-Chronological, This doesn't make any sense, a lot of curses, random shit, sassy phichit, seungchuchu - Freeform, yoi trash, yuuri is a pussy (?)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-12
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 00:08:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9295640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polvorose/pseuds/Polvorose
Summary: "There is nothing gay in asking other man to seduce me."A series of stories of the lives of the skaters after the goddamn Grand Prix. They don't make any sense and it's not necessary to say that the characters are being parodied.





	1. Don't be a pussy.

So Yuuri Katsuki didn't have much shit to brag about aside from the fact that had a pretty nice ass, but he's that kind of guy that doesn't have a clue about it.

'I mean, there are guys like Viktor Nikiforov around...the dude's last name literally means winner for god's sake!' The ok skater thought as he wiped the same spot for the 5th time. 'Japanese rule my ass...try to beat a fucking Russian.' He thought and sighed.

"Why are you like this?" He asked at his own reflection on the mirror. "Is it because of your anxiety? Or because you are not gay enough?" He added as he gently placed a hand on his cheek.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He heard someone laugh from his cell phone.

"Lets be honest Phichit..." Yuuri sighed and put the piece of cloth he was using to clean the sink down. "We are all a bunch of homos..." He said, looking at the phone.

"Duuuh." Yuuri could feel the Thai skater rolling his eyes when he said that. "I meant what do you mean when you say you are not gay enough?" Phichit chuckled. "You were pretty much the third gayest person at the Grand Prix. Even with the whole Phichit on ice thing I wasn't gayer than you and I there where hamsters and pastel colors..."

"...Actually I would be the second since I don't think Viktor counts since he wasn't participating..." Yuuri mumbled as he fidgeted "But I get your point!" Yuuri put his hands up before his friend could reply.

"I can't believe I ended up second at skating and at being gay...even though I did the thing with the rings..." Yuuri sighed and covered.

"Oh so you are actually conscious of how gay that was..." Phichit said happily. "Thank god Yuuri, I bet with Chris that you weren't THAT slow."

"...thanks?" Yuuri tilted his head, not sure if that was a compliment. He took his phone from over the toilet and then sat on it before letting go a loud sigh. "Phichit I want that Russian ass...god knows I do..." He admitted.

"No shit." Phichit answered sarcastically.

"But that asshole can't be serious about the gold medal thing..." Yuuri muttered. "He is so cluelessly gay that it hurts..."

"Yeah and it also must hurt that a Russian little ass shattered your chance of accomplishing your dream for a few decimals~" Phichit hummed. "That must be soooo frustrating~"

"...." The Thai skater panicked a little when he heard sobs from the other side of the line. "Why does god hate me Phichit? Why the fuck? Yuri is already ridiculously beautiful! And he has talent! And a badass dude that doesn't act like a fucking 8 years old perv! FUCK!" Yuuri sobbed and hid his face in his hands

"Yuuri Yuuri~ I got in 6th place and unlike you I didn't cry in the bathroom." Phichit said with a slight hint of bitterness in his words. "And I'm definitely not crying now months after that shit happened because that's how life works, now man up, take your pills and finish cleaning that bathroom!" He added in a cheering tone that hid the curses.

"Why am I cleaning the bathroom again?" Yuuri asked, scratching his cheek. He actually didn't remember the exact reason since while he was doing it he thought about his own lonely ass and started to cry while calling Pichit.

"Hmmm let me guess...probably you were jerking off thinking about Viktor." Phichit muttered thoughtfully 

"Hmmm..." Yuuri thought. "Yes, I think it was that." He said. "I was holding that in during this whole goddamn progress." He sighed.

"Have you ever thought about just letting Viktor do you?" Phichit asked. "He wants to, that's not a secret." He added.

Yuuri shook his head like a retarded even though it wasn't a video call. "I don't think so, Phichit." He said firmly. "Not until we establish ourselves as an official couple. Maybe I will wait until we get married." He muttered as he gave the final touches to the bathroom.

He could hear Phichit whispering something like. "Your ass is gonna get soooo much spiderwebs..." But when he asked him to repeat it Phichit denied it.

"Anyway." Yuuri sighed. "I'm gonna jog to under a bridge so I can cry with this guys that put heroin in their faces."

"Geez Yuuri, you feel extra pussy today, and I fingered your equivalent to pussy once." Phichit laughed like if he hasn't just said that.

"W-what happens in Detroit stays in Detroit Phichit! Remember!" Yuuri exclaimed as his face turned red.

"Yeah yeah~" Phichit giggled softly. "Speaking of something staying somewhere, I lost one of my hamster and I don't know if it stayed-WOW!" Phichit suddenly yelped.

"Is it under your underwear again?" Yuuri asked as he got undressed.

"Yuuuup." Phichit said, sounding like a squirrel. "Gotta go. Bye!"

"Try to not get in trouble with PETA again please." Yuuri sighed. "Bye." And the called ended. After that call Yuuri looked at the wall and saw another towel hanging on it. "Oh right...I forgot that Viktor was here." He blinked.

His mind half exploded like 5 minutes later. "SHIET." He said to himself and stared at the door. "Come on...I mean...that would be too cliche." He said as he slowly moved closer. "He standing at the other side of the door so he would had hear everything...it's just too fucking stupid." He added, then his hand slowly reached the doorknob and turned it almost like if it was a bomb, then he carefully looked out of the bathroom.

There wasn't anyone close.

Yuuri sighed in relief, he just knew the universe couldn't possibly hate him that much. He closed the door, grateful that nobody saw his balls and went to clean that glorious booty.

\--------

In another room two Russian males stared at the nothing, both with opposite expressions but with the same thought.

"The walls here are too thin!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp that was stupid xD this series will continue when I retarded which will probably be soon
> 
> Take care~
> 
> PD: The Russian shits are next vuv


	2. There is nothing gay in it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktor and Yurio have a deep and meaningful conversation...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I change the rating of this series? xD so much bad words...

"There is nothing gay in asking another man to seduce me." The Russian god said, shrugging carelessly like the occasionally brainless idiot he is.

"Yeah right, and there is nothing gay in your old ass." The blond boy said sarcastically as he slumped his feet on the coffee table so he could be the edgy boy he wants to be so fucking much, but it didn't work since the sound of the glass made him yelp like the tiny kitty he actually is.

"Oh? Ass?" Viktor blinked and got up. "Will Yuuri finally give me he ass?" He asked with a childish look in his eyes that only creeped the blond out even more.

"Does your mind only register the word ass?!" Yuri growled. "Why do you even want to see that pig's ass anyway?!" He added, crossing his arms.

"Do you want to see my ass?" Viktor tilted his head. Yuri hadn't finished his reply when the Russian man dropped his bath coat and turned around so little Yurio could bless his eyes with the view of that iron ass. "I'm already showing it to you~" he said happily, because he was obviously doing him a favor.

"W-what the FUCK VIKTOR?!" The blond almost fell from his chair and covered his eyes.

"Huh?" Viktor put the coat back on. "Nobody fucked me..." He shook his head "I would love to do some of that with my Yuuri though." He sighed like a damsel in distress. "But he doesn't have an Idea of my hidden lust and love towards that belly of his."

"GROSS." Yuri retched before smacking his head against the glass coffee table with the hope of forgetting the events of the last minutes. "The only thing lamer than the pig is the fact that you think nobody knows about your gay shit!!" He hissed.

"I really don't understand what you are talking about." Viktor sat down on the bed again. "I was sure to keep everything with Yuuri completely professional without leaving a single hint of my desire of just grab that tummy and-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP." Yurio growled and shot snakes at him with his eyes. "And whatever you did with that fucker was anything but professional!! You were so gay it made my head hurt!!"

"There are you saying that again." Viktor sighed and moved that gay bang of his away. "None of what we did was gay at all." He said, seriously. "We both acted like serious men...like the rest of skaters." The man nodded.

"...You can't be FUCKING SERIOUS." Yurio's eyes widened. "All the skaters around us are fags." He said. "And the only ones that aren't are garbage like goddamn JJ."

"You are wrong Yurio!" Viktor said like a pouty kid. "Can you look me in the eyes and tell me that Chris is gay?" He asked.

The Russian teen literally tackled the man and straddled him on the bed because that's how gay shit works. He even tried to held Viktor's wrist over his head and all that. Just lovely. 

He looked deep into those blue eyes with his edgy anime boy expression. "Chris is the biggest faggot I've ever had to see in my life...and I know you." He said, like, dead serious. Viktor almost took him seriously.

Viktor stared at him for a minute and then that abnormal heart shaped smile appeared on his face. "Oh my god Yurio you are so adorable~" he easily sat up because, let's be honest, Yurio will never be able to be a seme with the owner of such an ass of iron.

Yuri just blinked as the edgy boy in his head cried in a corner. "Ehhhh? Who are you calling adorable you ass?" He glared at him.

"Shhhh geez." Viktor mumbled. "And don't say the word with f anymore. It's offensive." He whispered.

"Like I care!" He said before spiting at Viktor's face, but the silver haired dodged that like a pro.

"You care because even with all this I know very well that you enjoy the pirosky filled with some good meat." Viktor smiled brightly at him.

The blond just gave him a weird look "...the fuck does that have anything to do with any-!?" Viktor managed to make the kid shut the fuck up with just his eyes.

"I know..." The white haired man said with a calmed smile. "I know very well...the reason why you won that cute medal you still carry with you." He looked down and slid his fingers by Yurio's exposed forearms. "The reason why you beat my records you little piece of shit..." He whispered.

Yurio almost missed the last part because of the tone Viktor used to say it.

"It's because you got yourself a dick to desire...one that rides a motorcycle." He looked up at the confused eyes of the boy still on his lap. "Don't underestimate the power of someone who really wants to fuck...especially if a motorcycle is involved." He said as his smile widened.

"...see? That's what I mean." Yurio said. "You are gay at everything you do, stupid Viktor. You never fooled anyone." He grumbled.

"...I don't get what you mean." The man tilted his head, a stupid smile covering all his face.

'...I'M SO DONE WITH THIS FUCKER' Yurio thought as he was about to rip Viktor's face off with his own nails but then the door opened.

"Hey, I just wondered if you had seen my happy pills..." A shy motherfucker said as he fidgeted.

The blond wanted to rip Viktor face off. He really did. God there are no words to express how much he would enjoy that, but he needed to be a dick to Yuuri because when you meet someone like Yuuri it's like a sin not bully him at least once.

He turned his head. "You mean the drugs you use to forget about how pathetic your life is and how much of a mediocre you are?" He asked.

"...Yeah, those ones, you little piece of shit." The black haired nodded, agreeing with Yurio's description.

Again. Yurio almost missed the last part because of the tone he used.

"Oh I have them Yuuuuuri~" Viktor said cheerfully. "But you will have to take it from the head of my peepee!" He added.

Yurio suddenly felt sitting over Viktor was gross, dangerous and that his stupidness could be contagious. 

Yuuri's face turned red. "V-Viktor...don't you think t-that's a little..." He mumbled before getting interrupted by Yurio.

"GAY! IT'S VERY GAY!" He screamed.

"...there is nothing gay in asking another man to take a pill from the head of his penis." Viktor shrugged carelessly like the abnormal Russian god he is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why it puts the end notes of the last chapter but whatever :0
> 
> I actually don't like the term "faggot or fag" but Yurio can be dick so it makes sense that he does it to be tough and edgy.
> 
> Next time you will have some more of sassy Phichit v u •


	3. Fucking Stalking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A beatiful and moving moment between Phichit and Seung-Gil.

Seung-gil was...

He was...

Uhhh...

Yeah, he was that Korean guy that was kind of an ass, didn't make it to the Grand Prix and sued Yuuri for sexual harassment.

He wasn't an important character and he was more than happy for that because his sexuality wouldn't be questioned that way. He was almost as irrelevant as pewdiepie guy and he didn't really cared much. 'I would have liked to win though...' He thought as he petted the only creature that didn't make him want to kill himself, his dog.

He felt the bench almost fall when someone slumped on it, making it creak and all. "What the-?" The Korean was about to say when he was interrupted by the stereotypical voice of the THAI skater.

"Selfie!!~" he said unnecessarily as he pressed the button and captured himself with the resting bitch face pal and the dog.

"Ayyy LMAO Look at this little bitch here with the dog!! Isn't he edible?! #Korea #Dog #Imfuckingtonightson #instabitch " He just as he typed before posting it on Instagram

Seung-Gil stared at him with his mouth slightly open. He didn't know were to start with everything that was wrong with this ass that just came to ruin his peaceful life. "What the hell is wrong with you?" He hissed as he moved his dog away, afraid of this perv wanting to rape his poor dog.

"I'm Phichit!" The Thai skater pressed himself against the Korean one. "You're Seung-Gil Lee right? That sexy thing that didn't make it to the Grand Prix? The one that did that awkward mambo?" He asked with a grin on his face.

Seung-Gil was already done with this guy. He recognized his face and a chill ran down his spine, because this guy was relevant which means that weird and gay shits were going to happen as long as they kept interacting. "Yes." He said as he pushed him away and got up.

"Dude that was sooo weird but just because you always had that expression on your face." Phichit, who turns out that had more strength that was he showed, pulled him down. "But It's ok because I actually liked it~ so much that I took the time to make an MLP parody of it, wanna see?" He said as he showed him his phone.

The man glared at him. "MLP? Let go of me in this instant if you don't want me to call the police." He hissed.

"Don't be like that you ass." Phichit giggled softly. "Just because you ended up as a mediocre who had to swallow all the shit that spat at everyone doesn't mean that you have to pay it on poor Phichit who just wants some of of your gun."

"My gun? Is all this about sex? That's it. I'm calling the police." Seung-Gil said as he took his phone, ready to call the police, but then Phichit snatched the phone and easily unlocked it and saved his number in it, then he gave it back to him. "...how did you know my password?" He asked slowly.

Phichit winked. "One just have to look at your face to know it pal." He said. "And it's not entirely about sex." He waved his hand. "I have Yuuri for that."

Seung-Gil raised and eyebrow but he wasn't surprised that Yuuri was anyone's bitch. "We literally just met...and I'm not interested." He said directly. "So basically...fuck off." He flipped the bird at him.

He wasn't expecting that the Thai skater would literally lick his finger slowly and then give him a lusty look. "See what I did? That could be your dick." He said with a sly smile. The Korean man blushed a little and quickly cleaned his finger using his shirt. "And of course we know each other...I investigated all I could about the guy who sued my best friend because stoic bitches like you turn me on so fucking much." He leaned close. "And I know you stalked me on Instagram once...so I know you want it." He purred.

Seung-Gil blinked slowly. "...I didn't stalk you." He said. Actually he mentally shitted his pants, how did he know that? He didn't tell anyone about how he actually jerked off once with his Grand Prix presentation.

"Yes you did." Phichit nodded. "You liked accidentally liked a photo from 2 years ago you noob." He laughed.

It was accidental and because of the fucking liking system of Instagram, but he assumed that with so much followers he wouldn't realize.

"I put a vibrator in my hole to wonderland thinking about you liking the photo of me with my parents." Phichit purred and bit his lip.

'This is wrong is so many levels.' Seung-Gil thought. "You really are a bitch..." He finally said.

"Pretty much." He shrugged. "But just with you because you really make my ass get like a fucking vacuum and with that Yuuri bitch but just because he is such a passive that not doing it would be like a sin." He smiled.

He didn't know why he felt attracted to this person, everything was wrong about him. Everything that came from his mouth made him want to call the police, but he couldn't help but like the way he was the only person who gave less shit about being direct than him. "...I want a guarantee that you don't have any STDs..." He said. He would regret it, he was sure. He wouldn't gain absolutely anything from this...herpes in any case.

Phichit's eyes shinned like stars as he pulled out a paper from his bag. "I came ready dear~ I came to Korea for this after all." He grinned.

Seung-Gil took the paper and read it. "Everything seems to be fine here..." He said with his stoic expression, then he looked at him. "You really want me to fuck you don't you?" He asked.

"And maybe we can do other couple's shits after that~" Phichit hummed happily. 

"...so you just came here saying a lot of shit and now you want me not only to fuck you but also to be in a relationship with you?" Seung-Gil asked. When the Thai skater nodded he pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine. You know what? Whatever! I feel like if I say no this story will get even longer." He gave up.

Phichit threw his fist to the air. "FUCK YEAH!!" He got up an pulled the man and the dog with him. "Get ready for the chuchu experience my extremely hot treasure." He said before pulling the Korean man and his poor dog to something they would, unfortunately, never forget.

Seung-Gil couldn't believe time after that he would en up falling for the biggest bitch he had ever met in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phichit is safe from STD and you should too! Or you won't get the resting bitch face hottie to push your guts with his dong.


End file.
